Chandra's Journal
October 23, 2006
He didn’t make it. The other Canon didn’t make it. He died on Saturday morning. I still can’t believe it. Over the last week, since they found out that he had had a stroke and significant bleeding in his brain, I have been consumed with prayer for them and constantly wondering what was happening over there. On Friday, we found out online that the doctors had told them there was nothing else they could do and that Carla would have to make a decision based on whether an EKG showed any brainwaves. I cried that night while I was sweeping my kitchen, scared for Carla, confused about prayer, and reliving my last night with Amberly.
Saturday I was checking their website every thirty minutes or so, desperate for a miracle. Was no news good news? I wasn’t sure. I put Canon down for a nap that afternoon and he got out of his bed and came to my room. When I took him back to his bed, I couldn’t seem to let him go. I grabbed the blanket at the foot of his bed, curled up and wrapped my arms around him and we both fell asleep. When I woke up an hour or so later, I came to the computer and I saw Carla’s message that Canon had passed away that morning. My whole body hurt for her. I sat there, in shock, really. A couple of minutes later, our phone rang. I barely noticed, and couldn’t have talked to anyone anyway. Drew came in to the bedroom a minute later. I turned my chair around and our eyes met in silence for a second. I could tell he knew, but I said out loud, “He died. Canon died.” He said that that was Susan on the phone; that she was calling to tell Drew to try to catch me before I read it online. Everything that had been just under the surface broke. I can’t explain it really. I wonder if people think it’s weird that I have been so emotional about a boy I never met. But just like when Misty lost Ethan this summer, I saw myself in Carla. I remembered how broken and completely lost I was in the days after we lost Amberly. It all came back to me. Drew came and hugged me and after I collected myself I had one thought. I have to go get a journal to write down all of the Bible verses that were on Canon’s two websites. When Amberly died, my best friend from my childhood drove up from San Antonio and gave me a journal where she had written down every scripture that either I used in my journal or someone left to encourage us on the guestbook. That gift has meant so much to me over the last five years. Most of the other things associated with her death are put away. But the journal I keep handy. I move it around for some reason. Sometimes it’s on a shelf in the living room, with her picture. Sometimes it’s in our room by the computer. Sometimes it’s in my nightstand. But I always know exactly where it is. I just knew that I had to make one to give to Carla. I took Creed (Canon was still asleep) and went to go buy a journal for her. The radio came on, just like always. But I remembered how offensive regular noise was to me. I felt it again. I just wanted to shout to the radio “How you can play this same old music?? Don’t you know that Canon just died??” I just turned the music off and Creed and I rode in silence.
I’m going to go to Canon’s memorial service. There are probably people that would think that’s crazy. It’s 600 miles away; Drew is not comfortable with me driving all that way by myself, so I’m flying. It’s expensive, but as Drew told me, “This is the kind of thing God wants us to do with our money.” The only people I really know in Arkansas are four students at Harding University. Because the service is during class time and about 45 minutes away from them, I’m staying with one of our elder’s wife’s sister and brother-in-law, the Josephsons (He is actually an elder at the church Carla has been attending). Thank goodness for my church family. I just got off the phone with them and they are very graciously picking me up from the airport, putting me up for the night, getting me to the service and back to the airport to come home.
Why am I going? I’m going because if my Canon had not made it… if I had had to say goodbye to him four weeks after the transplant, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that there would have been many “strangers” making the trek to help me survive. They would have been there. I know it. I’m going because I want to represent our “Texas Canon” family and show her that we won’t forget Canon Andrew. (I actually got on to my Canon for doing something yesterday and said, “Andrew Canon” and immediately realized I’ll never use his whole name again without remembering another Canon and his family.) I’m going because I need to give Carla the journal in person. Maybe she’ll never remember that I was there, and that’s okay. But she’ll have the journal that is so important to me. The specific words that God led people to record for her. They won’t help today and probably not tomorrow. But they are powerful words, and God will make them count. I’m going because I want Canon and Creed to go to great lengths to help someone who is hurting. I’m going because of Jordan and his family. If I could have cloned myself when Canon had his transplant, I would have. I would have been with Canon and also been with Sherry in the days following Jordan’s death. I would have shown my face to a family in pain – not a special face, just one more face telling them how meaningful their son is. I’m going because I know there will be people trying to explain to her why this happened. People do that because they don’t know what else to say, and they mean well. I want to tell her that there is no sense behind it. Even if I’m the only one, I’m going to tell her that it makes no sense and it’s okay to be angry. Why did He spare my Canon, but not Amberly? I could have had it all; you hear about miracle babies all the time. We could be tucking in two sons and a daughter every night, but we’re not. I also could have lost them all. Who gets to live a long life and who doesn’t? It doesn’t make sense. I remember feeling scared of all the anger I felt. I somehow thought that it was wrong to be mad at God. But God can handle as much anger as she’s got and won’t ever leave her. I’m going because I want Carla to see that Canon had a huge impact on my life. In just the month that I knew of him, I was led to pray desperately again. I tried to leave her a message, either by website guestbook or email, every day or two to let her know that I was still around, still praying, in it for the long haul. But on Saturday, the keyboard wasn’t cutting it. For the first time ever, I realized that the English language does not have enough stupid punctuation marks. There are question marks, exclamation points for extreme excitement, periods for the everyday tone of voice, but nothing to express tears. Nothing to express ultimate mourning. I was forced to use periods, but they fell disappointingly short of the gut-wrenching emotion I was feeling. I just need to go.
So I’m flying out tomorrow night and will come back home Wednesday night. It will be the first day of my life that I will travel by myself somewhere I’ve never been before to mourn the loss of someone I actually never met. Last time I wrote a journal entry I was wondering what else God needed me to do for this family. I guess this was it.
Keep praying for Carla, and Canon’s brother, Chase, and sister, Kamryn.
Keep praying for Jordan’s family – it’s been almost a year.
Pray for our friends, the Haines, who are leaving Amarillo tomorrow for Houston. Their baby, Sasha, has been diagnosed with Biliary Atresia and will need to have a liver transplant within a year.
Thank you. Thank you for listening to me for a year and a half. I can’t tell you how much I’ve grown because of the outlet I have to share my heart with you. Thank you for showing me the kind of family member, friend, and stranger I should be. God bless you.
Chandra