Chandra's Journal
December 3, 2005
8:45 PM
Wow, what a day. Canon followed his normal, pre-surgery routine today – just one nap from about 1:00 – 3:45 or so! He’s actually still awake; he’s watching a Veggie Tales video that we borrowed from the book/video cart. I really tried to get him up and playing more today. Jaymee told us we really need to push him a little bit to remind him what normal activity is.
We got to take off the oxygen this afternoon for a little bit to see how well he tolerated room air. So we took advantage of not being hooked up to any outside apparatus and put him in a stroller and made three or four laps around the 12th floor. He loved it! We put him back into bed when we finished the walk. He loved being out and around some more, but it really wore him out. That’s how our day went mostly – anytime he exerted himself a little bit more, he would need some quiet, downtime for a while afterwards.
I had no idea how ecstatic I would be when he finally started acting like himself again. You know that game I mentioned where I say “Let’s see…” and he says “Hmm…”? He did it with me tonight! Seriously, every time he remembers something else from our seemingly previous life, I react like it was the first time ever. I mean, he has said all this stuff before, but tonight when he said “movie please” or sang “This Little Light of Mine” with me or said “Hi!” when someone that he knew walked in the room (he’s learned to be very wary of strangers that come in his room), I would look around to see if anyone else was as excited as I was – “Did you see that?! Did you hear him?! That’s my Canon.” I can tell he’s trying so hard to come back to normal. I’m so proud of him.
Visitors on Day 5 – many today! Mr. and Mrs. Crawford from here in Houston (his mother, Doris, goes to church with us and his sister was one of Linda’s best friends growing up); Joel, Amber, Ethan, Austin, and Addison Caillouet from Lake Charles, Louisiana (Amber is one of Melanie’s best friends); Kelly Archer from Amarillo (Jennifer Wade’s dad here in Houston for the BCS Bowl – Texas vs. Colorado); Whit and Ramona Pennock from Austin (my youth minister growing up, also in Houston for the UT game); Anson and Danielle Pierce from San Antonio (one of my best friends growing up in Austin); Terry and Theresa Priest from Houston (long-time friends of Drew’s family – that’s where Charlie and Linda have been staying).
Today I went up to the family library while Drew and his parents were with Canon for lunch. I hadn’t seen his website in several days and was really needing some encouraging thoughts. I began to read through the guestbook messages. So many people praying for us! Then I started seeing some notes from our donor’s family.
Actually, I have to be honest, we did hear his name from someone. According to the confidentiality “rules”, we’re not supposed to know his name or any other identifying information, in case the family would like to remain anonymous. But this situation is atypical, and I get the impression that his family doesn’t mind. Still, Drew and I discussed the need to absolutely respect their privacy. So, even though his name has been carved on my heart and swirling around in my head throughout the day, I’m not going to write it down. Evidently, his extended family has been told of Canon’s website; I saw several messages from them and other people that love him. Then one in particular caught my attention. Yesterday, someone left a message asking us to keep his family in mind as they attended his memorial service on what would have been his birthday. My immediate response was physical; I began to cry and feel my chest tightening and a knot in my throat. Amberly’s funeral began to replay in my mind, what I remember about it anyway. It was an outside service, very hot. I remember sitting right in front of a box that was the size of a small suitcase. The entire time we were there, I kept thinking how badly I wanted to hold her. Maybe I should just go up there, take the box, and hold it on my lap. I just don’t want her to be alone up there, everyone staring at her, maybe she wouldn’t like that. Maybe she just wants me to hold her still. I’m just being forthright, that might sound crazy, but that’s what I was thinking about. When I was reminded today of our donor’s memorial service,! I just wanted to run out and find his mother and hold her. Then I scrolled down and saw a reply to that message from Susan, my friend from ACU who has been devoted to us in prayer, pledging her prayers for all of them. Then another message to their family from one of Canon’s prayer supporters. Then another, and another, and another. Tears were streaming down my face as I realized that we have become the same family now. We each love these two boys so deeply because they are now and forever a part of eachother. And though they will never meet this side of Heaven, we, as their family, will be daily reminded of the other. When I look at Canon and believe that I really WILL get to see him go to Kindergarten, throw a football, and track mud in the house, I will know that it is all because God inspired a family to share the life of their precious one with us. When they are "reminded" of their little boy (you know, people used to walk on eggshells because they didn't want to remind us of our loss, but it's really pointless because it's not like we ever 'forget' - a loss like that is never on the back burner, it permeates every day), I know that they will sometimes think of Canon as a vessel keeping part of their baby alive.
When I got on the elevator to come back down to Canon's room, I leaned my head against the wall, wiped away my tears, and tried to collect myself. But when I came back down and Drew asked me what I found on the website, I just cried all over again and told him that it would have been his birthday. He took my hand and said quietly, "It's not your fault." And at once I realized that that is the feeling I'm struggling with. How do I feel at once so relieved and thankful for the life given to Canon, but also mourn and feel so entirely regretful with another family. How long can these two emotions coexist?
Chandra
Father God,
You know my heart. I can't stop thinking about the little boy that is with you now. Show me what to do with this preoccupation. Help me to discern the feelings that are from you, and the feelings that aren't. Use me and my family to glorify you and bring others to a better knowledge of you. Bless all of the people who have continued to encourage us. Thank you for not giving up on me. You know how angry I have been with you in the past and you have held on to me.
Please forgive me.
In His Name, Amen.